This is the first year that I can recall
when I didn't wake up, eager to call me dad and say,
"Happy Father's Day, Daddy. Did you get the card I sent?"
Phoning home, hasn't always been simple.
Dealing with time zones overseas and in Hawaii presented minor challenges.
And I fondly remember, realizing halfway through a cross-country road trip with two girlfriends, that we needed to stop and call home to wish our respective dads a Happy Father's Day.
Today should be easier.
I live on the Mainland and have a mobile phone.
My father is not dead,
not incarcerated.
He is not missing, lost or deployed.
Daddy is not spending time with the OTHER family, he abandoned our family for.
My father is in a nursing home,
and I am painfully aware that he may not recognize the sound of my voice.
The Father's Day cards I mailed have not lessened my guilt.
I want to call him.
But that would mean hearing my mother's voice, trying to convince him that I'm on the phone,
and then
hearing nothing at all.
Should I recognize Father's Day when my dad doesn't recognize me?
I would say yes. I got to put my dad in Hospice August 14, 2008. I don't know if he knew who I was because he couldn't talk, he couldn't move, all he could do was lay there. My mom spent every day his last two weeks by his side without any knowing what was going on inside. As painful as it can be, you can't get back time.
ReplyDeleteso true. And I did end up calling him. I know it was the right thing to do. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteDeneitra,
ReplyDeleteIt was the right thing to do. The changes you can see in patient's that are in hospice, nursing homes, etc is amazing! I know it is painful, but I will never forget my grandmother's reactions to my voice and the stroking of her forehead. It used to calm her. Ask to talk to him, even if it is just to say, "Hi Daddy, I love you so much!". Take care. Ginger
Here is a post, I wanted to share, from my dear friend, Kim:
ReplyDeleteI just wrote a very heart felt and theraputic response to your blog. I was trying to be part of the blog world and just lost the entire thing. I am not really sure that I can duplicate it.
Here goes:
There is not anything that anyone can tell you to make loss an acceptable part of life. It will NOT get better with time. It will not pass and nothing can prepare you for it. Loss will come in many different forms. Loss of people as they die. Loss of the ability to share with the spirit of a loved one despite the fact that their physical being remains within our reach. Loss of our former bodies. Loss of our former lives. Loss of time. Funny thing is that sometimes we miss the things we liked least about loved ones the most. Loss hurts and it is cumulative.
I had almost forgotten about that road trip. I had forgotten the phone calls home. I had forgotten that we missed Fathers' Day. I had not forgotten the loss that we too create as we move through life. I am sure that our faters wanted to collectively kill us while we were off being independent women taking charge of our own lives. Despite the fact that we didn't always recognize or feel it, they really did and still do love us. Besides, how could they not!
Despite all of this, I still can't wait to see what wonderful things God has in store for us. I can't wait to share them with you.
Love,
Kim