I've Changed

Restarting my life after this past year is tougher than I imagined.
For some reason,
I thought I would just jump back into my former self, like putting on my favorite sweatshirt.
But as I began to recover,
I discovered that my former self had changed.

B.B.C. -
before breast cancer,
I worked out all the time; volunteered for committees; and ran around, slashing items from my to-do list with the
SWISH !!! of a big red marker.
I felt strong, triumphant.

When I got sick, those things that made me feel so capable were stripped from out beneath me.
Oddly, I felt guilty because of it -
guilty I couldn't volunteer; attend a meeting; or become an Iron Girl.
Following one of life's most profoundly challenging experiences,
I expected more from myself.

I thought my struggle would be returning to my old life.
But the real contest is determining whether my new self even fits into my old life anymore.
Maybe it's time to relinquish the preconceptions, expectations and guilt
and start over again.

I've changed.
It isn't because of breast cancer; it's in spite of it.