Why do I feel exposed
and invisible at the same time?
My last two weeks spent in and out of hospitals,
have been hard to accept;
the threat of returning - even harder.
I've shown the doctors:
those are my scars from my mastectomies;
my medi-port leftover from chemo;
radiation markings;
here's my blood - red blood cells, hemoglobin, hematocrit, anti-bodies.
Everything EXPOSED.
Sitting in the middle of the bed, sobbing as I stare across the courtyard, into another window.
Life passing.
Growing weary from the isolation of my family, friends, my life.
I cannot write.
How do I communicate what I really feel; what I'm afraid of; what I seek.
INVISIBLE.
It's better being home.
I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. Cancer is such a heartless disease. When I try and think back to what I was feeling the months I stayed with Ariel in the BMT unit all I remember was being focused on survival, tiny life changing ANC numbers and fleeting moments of peace I tried to cling to. Our prayers are with you in this battle.
ReplyDeleteYou have been there, I know. Having your prayers going up is a great comfort. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteInvisibility... I understand, hating it and needing it both.
ReplyDelete